


My Patronus

by NymphadoraRavenclaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NymphadoraRavenclaw/pseuds/NymphadoraRavenclaw
Summary: Sirius Black was recently expelled from his home and disinherited from his family, having been welcomed by his best friend, James Potter. He does not know exactly how to deal with the distancing of James now that he is getting closer to Lily Evans, and in the midst of personal dilemmas, he finds the support and understanding of Remus Lupin.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	My Patronus

Sirius was used to unusual things happening in his life. Like, for example, being the first Black, after generations, to be chosen for Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. Or the fact that he befriended a boy who, on every full moon, turned into a werewolf, and because of that, he and his other two closest friends, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, had the idea of becoming illegal animagus, so as not to let Remus Lupin go through that frequent change alone.

All of these aspects of his life, along with the fact that he was kicked out of his own home by his mother the year before, were facts he could reasonably handle, but living with James Potter and watching his best friend change, more and more, his way of being, was being too much for him.

The Potters had accepted Sirius into his home since he announced that he had nowhere to go when he was officially disowned by the Black family and he was immensely happy to live in the same house as his best friend. As he made the move, he imagined how, together, they could attract Muggle girls, spend fun times with them during the summer, and then tell Remus and Peter about their adventures at Hogwarts.

What he didn't expect,however, was to see James less and less inclined to venture into Muggle neighborhoods, looking more concerned with reading the books they would use next year and preparing for the exams they would receive, than doing really cool things .

It wasn't as if Sirius didn't care about his studies and grades, but he hoped to focus on that only when his classes returned and not during the summer break. He was even more surprised when he realized that the reason James was showing little interest in his possible adventures with Muggle girls had to do with none other than Lily Evans.

Sirius could not avoid an eye roll when he knew that, after all, it was clear since his fifth year that Evans had no interest in his friend and he hoped that James would regain consciousness when they returned to Hogwarts and met the other Marauders. That didn't happen, however, and for Sirius' nightmare, James was promoted to Head Boy, even though he had never been a Prefect before!

It was all too much for him and he thought it was the last straw when he realized Lily was being kind to James, but little did Sirius know that the worst was yet to come.

“So, Lily agreed to go out with me this weekend.” James announced on a Wednesday afternoon when he, together with Sirius, Remus and Peter had been released from all classes and were just enjoying the rest of the day under one of the trees in the gardens at Hogwarts.

"I can't believe that Lily surrendered to your charms Prongs." said Remus, looking at his friend in an amused way.

James just shrugged.

“ I always knew that sooner or later she would realize how we were made for each other.” was all he just answered.

“Well, then this will be one of the few times that the Marauders will appear in the Leaky Cauldron without Prongs.” said Sirius. “Madame Rosmerta will be impressed.”

“In fact.” Peter started in his thin voice. “I also don't go to the Cauldron with you this time. A quintanist from Gryffindor agreed to go out with me this weekend.”

Sirius couldn't believe it. Even Peter Pettigrew had a date! It looked like some kind of joke.

“You just need to say that you also have some commitment, Moony.” Sirius said looking at Remus cautiously.

“Not really, I have the weekend free just like you” he replied without taking his eyes from the book that was in his lap. Remus had a particular taste in studying defense against the dark arts.

"Great!" exclaimed Sirius, a little more excited by his friend's response. “I have some great tricks to show Madame Rosmerta.”

James snickered.

“And then I'm the one deluded.”

“Shut up Prongs.” replied Sirius.

With the days that followed, Sirius couldn't be more bored. The focus of his senior year was on the N.E.W.T.s but he knew he didn't need to worry as much as his colleagues, he was aware that he was smarter than average and had expectations that James would join him in order to distract himself from obligations related to their classes. To his disappointment,however, James did not seem interested in wandering the corridors under the invisibility cloak guided by the Marauder's map. Prongs was much more focused on his duties as a Head Boy and his rounds with Lily Evans.

“I never thought that one day I would say that, but I think that Prongs no longer takes the motto "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." as seriously as before.” muttered Sirius on Friday when, after finishing all his activities related to the N.E.W.T.s, he was sprawled on one of the sofas in the common room while Remus remained focused on his scrolls.

“Do not be so dramatic Pads, we are in our last year, it is natural that some interests change” said Remus.

That was everything Sirius least wanted to hear. He didn't want Marauders separated after Hogwarts, he didn't want his best friend to ever walk away because of a girl.

“Here, I’ll help you finish filling that scroll and then we take the invisibility cloak and the Marauder's map and look for James through the corridors.”said Sirius. “We can spy on what both he and Evans talk and then throw some hexes at James so she would be scared, it will be fun.”

“I can finish this myself Pads.” Remus replied by pulling the parchment from Sirius' hand. “ And Lily is a nice person, you just need to know her better. Let the two understand each other, I'm sure they will go well”

Sirius liked that answer even less but thought it best not to insist. Peter was not in sight to help him with his idea so all he could do was accept the quiet of a Friday afternoon with Remus. And being alone with Remus was ... Different, he wasn't the type to initiate conversations, but once he realized that someone was interested in hearing him by his side, he talked about interesting topics in a simple way.

“… and that is why making a patronus is so complicated.” finished Remus after minutes explaining about performing defensive spells.

Sirius had spent most of the time just listening, occasionally asking questions.

“You understand a lot about it Moony, you should be a teacher.”

Remus laughed dismissively.

“ As if someone were going to let a werewolf teach.”

They were estranged from the few people in the common room, which allowed them to speak more openly about what James called Remus' "furry little problem".

“Dumbledore can help you with that.” said Sirius. “He allowed you to study here and no one found out about you.”

“No one but three boys from my year.” Remus countered. “As a teacher, I'm sure that my absence every full moon would attract the attention of some students and also, Dumbledore has already done too much for me.”

Sirius wished he could disagree but there were no arguments. The wizarding society was not benevolent with lycanthropes, and as much as he was against that kind of thinking, there was nothing he could do to give his friend a better perspective.

“I'm done here.” said Remus, rolling up his parchment. “I have chocolate in the dorm if you want to share.”

Sirius nodded, it wasn't as if he expected his Friday to be any less tedious and this rare moment of being alone with Remus was being considerably pleasant. Inside the male dormitory, the two of them shared a chocolate bar while Sirius used the Muggle record player he had bewitched to play the muggle music record he liked the most. During the exchange of songs, he told Remus everything he knew about Muggle bands and singers and his friend was a good listener, concentrating fully on Sirius' words while, occasionally, removing a lock of hair that insisted to fall on his face, in a way that Sirius considered graceful.

Sitting side by side on Remus' bed, they were both more physically close than they had been before.

“I don't think I'll ever get good grades at N.E.W.T.s” Peter said when he entered the dormitory, throwing himself on the bed with an expression of exhaustion on his face. "I spent the whole afternoon studying and I think that even so I couldn't learn anything."

“Don't be exaggerated, Wormtail.” Remus said looking at his friend in the bed ahead. “You are capable, do not doubt it and, if you want, I can help you study.”

Sirius couldn't help feeling a wave of admiration for Remus. He was always the most kind and considerate of them and, even though he had a life that mistreated him unfairly, he had never failed to treat, even those least close to him, with kindness and care.

“Good night, Marauders.” James said entering the dormitory and beaming at his friends .

“Look who decided to come back.” muttered Sirius in a voice low enough that only Remus, who was beside him, could hear him.

"Your rounds as a prefect have been longer than mine, haven't them, Prongs?!" said Remus smirking, watching James' happy expression.

“They have been much more interesting than yours too.” replied James, still grinning but without giving further details.

It was nothing new to anyone at Hogwarts that James Potter had always fancied Lily Evans' and Sirius was always there when his friend insisted on showing off for the girl or when he made some failed attempt to ask her out. He always imagined, however, that it would be a phase and realized now that he could not be more wrong. There was something intimate and private about the relationship he was building with Evans, and for the first time, Sirius felt left out of some aspect of James' life.

The next day dawned rainy and cold. Sirius wanted to follow the tactics he had heard from Remus and try to make a patronus to ward off his bad feelings, but stealing a chocolate frog from Remus suitcase seemed like a more instant and quick option and he did it before leave the dormitory next to his friend who would accompany him to the Three Broomsticks. Not even the explicit flirtations he received from girls from other houses along the way cheered him up, and his best prospects were to see Madame Rosmerta and hear Remus talk about his knowledge of creatures and defense against the dark arts.

Despite the spells for impermeability, Sirius and Remus were unable to prevent a few drops of water from reaching them and were considerably wet when they entered the Three Broomsticks and ordered their buttered beers.

“I can't believe she didn't find my joke funny this time.” Sirius said when he and Remus found tables where they could sit with their freshly bought drinks. “I mean, it's the gnome's joke with the fairy, everyone laughs at that! And she always thought this pub was more fun with me and Prongs here.”

“It must be because you smell like a wet dog today.” Remus said laughing at his friend's indignation and receiving an obscene gesture in response. “Also, Prongs are not with you to complete your jokes right now.”

Remus was right, but Sirius didn't want to think about it, preferring to tell him about a perfect hex he had tested on a Slytherin Quidditch opponent and the boy's reaction to this. Remus laughed, barely able to swallow his butterbeer as his body shook from the laughter caused by the way that Sirius described it. He might not have made Madame Rosmerta laugh, but found that amusing Remus had the same good feeling. Moony was very straight and serious in Sirius' eyes and it was cool to be responsible for making his posture less serious for at least a few moments.

“Sirius Black, I can't believe you're here!” exclaimed Marlene McKinnon entering the pub and heading towards the table where they were,making them stop smiling and talking abruptly. “If you didn't want to meet me today, why keep me waiting?”

Sirius was startled. He had completely forgotten that, in the week before that, he had agreed to meet Marlene at Zonko's and then spend the rest of the day drinking fire whiskey and snogging in any dark corner of the Hog's Head. Now he was forced to deal with the fury of the girl in front of him and the lack of a plausible excuse to justify his absence.

“Lene…” he started.

“Don't come with "Lene" on me!” she shouted, tossing her straight, dark hair behind her shoulder before continuing to attack him with a murderous look in her eyes. “ I'm not like the girls you're used to seeing, you can't make a fool of me Sirius! The next time I meet you, you better be prepared for hexes that will permanently damage that arrogant face of yours.”

She didn't wait for him to respond before turning around and walking out the same door she had entered, ignoring the looks and comments that were being directed at her.

“That's it Padfoot, today really wasn't your day.” Remus said, taking the last sip of his buttered beer.

Sirius grunted as if someone had stepped on his tail as sometimes happend when he was in his animagus form. Now, he had to remain alert if he wanted to avoid having his face transfigured by Marlene's hexes. He was so distracted by James's detachment and so eager to exchange more conversations with Remus that he had completely missed an opportunity to snog. He, Sirius Black had overlooked an opportunity to snog one of the most attractive women at Hogwarts, his life was really upside down.

The following weeks were sunnier and with few clouds, which seemed like a joke since practically every day, they received news about how Voldemort was becoming more and more powerful, and how his allies were responsible for the death of several powerful Aurors and innocent muggles born. The teachers seemed to want to make sure their students were able to protect themselves from the dangers that grew more and more outside the safe walls of Hogwarts castle, so they were even more demanding with defensive ways of using Potions, Herbology , Defense against dark arts and Transfiguration.

Remus did not present any difficulty in executing the patronus spell when it was taught by the Defense against dark arts professor to defend himself against the possible dementors who would be allied with the dark lord. James and Peter, as well as Sirius, had problems performing the spell initially, which changed within a few days, unlike Sirius.

No happy memory seemed to be enough, it was as if they were blocked by the confusion of feelings that he kept. He and James were living and talking normally, but the friend talked about Lily often and, to Sirius' discomfort, she was almost always present among the Marauders either during daily meals, or between classes. Peter and Remus seemed to enjoy the girl's presence, unlike him.

That same week, while Sirius kept an eye out for possible hexes from Marlene, James was attacked from the back by Severus causing Sirius and him to unite to hex the boy. The action together had been fun, it was almost like going back to being the way they were before, except that James had refused to use the invisibility cloak to scare Severus more often, claiming that this attitude was unnecessary even though they both almost had to certainty that Severus was allied with the Dark Lord's supporters "We don't need to attack unless he does the same" was what James defended.

Remus seemed to be the only one who understood Sirius, or at least the one who did not judge his mood or suffocate him with questions as Peter used to do, and they were so used to each other's presence without the company of James and Peter, that Remus did not protest when Sirius followed him on one of his rounds as a prefect.

In the past, Sirius had never missed an opportunity to joke about the post of prefect that Remus had received, now, he almost wanted to be one too, so he wouldn't have to shy away from any indication that Madame Norra or Filch were coming towards him to punish him it by being out of bed after the curfew.

“Maybe you are right Moony, all this time I was very arrogant to find myself above average in relation to others and now, I can barely produce a patronus” said Sirius in a tone of frustration that was unusual for him.

They had entered an empty classroom and Sirius was sitting on one of the tables, head down so that his hair concealed his face. He was the wizard who at fifteen and without any help from the ministry, had managed to carry out the process of transforming himself into an animagus, helping his friends to do the same. He was the boy who got the best grades in the O.W.L.s without even having to work for it and he was someone used to not receiving affection from his own family who considered him as less than his younger brother for thinking differently. He always endured it all by himself but now it was as if something was wrong.

"All you need to do is put out what you feel, Padfoot," said Remus in the gentle tone so familiar to Sirius. He was respecting his friend's space, without forcing any contact, remaining seated in one of the chairs in front of him. “You will never find out what gets in the way if you keep running away from it.”

Sirius' answer was to get off the table he was sitting on and walk around the room, still unable to face Remus. His friend, on the other hand, now walked towards him, extending his right arm to break the physical barrier that existed between them. Remus pressed Sirius against the classroom wall as if to prevent him from slipping away again.

“You just need to say what you feel, Sirius!” exclaimed Remus, still pressing his friend against the concrete. It was rare to refer to each other by name instead of nicknames, so it was inevitable for Sirius to face his friend back. “Good memories will prevail if you stop saving the bads.”

He knew Remus was right but it was so difficult… He didn't want to appear fragile, show his vulnerabilities to anyone, but it was Remus who was in front of him, willing to listen to him with his usual understanding stance. Sirius had never been very adept at physical contact, but now he realized how pleasant it was to have Remus' hands on his chest.

“It's just ... that …” began Sirius trying not to fight what he meant. “I hate to find Régulus in the halls and in classes, I hate our similarities and being forced to remember that we are from the same family, that we are brothers! James accepted me when my parents threw me out of the house, he was like a brother to me, you all, the Marauders.”

"He also still sees you as a brother, Padfoot, he loves you," said Remus, unable to hold Sirius any longer when he was a little too strong to pull away.

“Stop being a tit, Moony.”

“I'm just telling the truth, Pads. He loves you and he is saddened by the way you have been acting since he and Lily started dating. You know, Prongs are just as good at showing feelings as you are.”

Sirius sighed in frustration.

"I think we'd better go back to the common room, Filch might end up listening to us and we don't have the cloak to hide from," said Sirius, ending the matter while Remus looked at him reprovingly.

They walked side by side in silence to the men's dorm, where their roommates were already sleeping in their four-poster beds. Sirius stayed awake most of the time, looking up at the ceiling while listening to Frank Longbottom's snores and thinking about what Remus had said moments before. He hated to expose his feelings, but his friend never gave his opinion, and Sirius had to admit that a part of him knew he was right.

His thoughts about Remus followed him in his dreams, where they were alone in the same classroom they were in before, close, but not necessarily talking like the night before.

He realized how Remus was showing up too much in his thoughts and often doesn't the friendly way he used to be. He decided that it would be best to call Dorcas Meadowes for butterbeer in the Gryffindor Common Room after the Quidditch match that would take place that weekend. The company of a beautiful girl always helped him to clear his thoughts.

The game would be against the greatest enemy of Gryffindor students: Slytherin. This meant that, moments before everyone went to the Quidditch pitches, they rehearsed the battle chorus in support of the Gryffindor team while they finished decorating the common room with the colors of the house. To Sirius' surprise, Lily was just as engrossed in the game as they were and sat beside him in the bleachers, along with Remus and Peter.

“Hey Padfoot.” she said as length.

"Evans," Sirius replied in a slightly more rude tone than desired.

He didn't expect her to know his nickname, let alone call him for it.

“So, James said you guys have lived together for a while, you must make the Potters crazy, right?” She said with an amused smile. “He never told me many details.

Hers bright green eyes were directed at Sirius until a joint movement took place in the Gryffindor stands and Lily, after realizing the reason, stood up with an indignant expression just like the others. She pointed and shouted at the Slytherin beater who had been trying to cheat to beat her opponents. Sirius was impressed. He did not imagine that someone who seemed to be as serious and focused as she could act that way. There seemed to be a lot to discover about Lily Evans.

“But then.” she said returning to sit in the chair next to her after everyone had calmed down. “ What do you and James do to distract yourselves on vacation?”

Deciding that it might be worth getting closer, Sirius shared with Lily embarrassing facts about James, things that his friend had not yet told her, making the girl beamed at him in a way he had never seen before. They continued to chat even after James captured the Snitch, claiming Gryffindor's victory and causing the students of the house to head to the common room to the sound of cheers of victory.

“Your brother doesn't look very happy, Padfoot.” said James when he went to join the Marauders and Lily after receiving greetings from his teammates.

“He’s not my brother.” Sirius replied, accepting a bottle of pumpkin juice that Peter offered next. “And if Regulus is sad, I'm happy.”

James laughed and put an arm around Lily before starting to tell, step by step, what it was like to beat his opponent, to the four. Lily rolled her eyes at James' convinced tone and she and Sirius shared internal jokes that only they understood while James looked at them suspiciously.

Gryffindor's victory was significant enough to continue to celebrate even when night fell. Peter dozed in one of the armchairs after ingesting more fire whiskey than he was used to, while Remus and Sirius listened, for what seemed like the thousandth time, James to describe his actions moments before capturing the snitch.

“I think you were right Moony.” Sirius said when James walked away being pulled by the arm by Lily who seemed to want to continue celebrating the victory in another way. “I just needed to get to know her better.”

“James also seemed even happier to be able to talk to you without just getting snarls in response.” said Remus.

Sirius countered by saying that he did not growl, going against Remus' arguments, which stated how his animagic characteristics were increasingly dominating his human aspects. As always, he realized that he was having fun taking Remus seriously, even for a few moments, which was interrupted by the presence of Dorcas Meadowes.

The young black woman with curly hair, was looking at him with an irritated expression similar to the way that Marlene had looked at him when she found him drinking butterbeer with Remus on the Three Broomsticks instead of being with her on the Hog’s Head Inn as they had agreed.

“Dorcas! So ... What did you think of the game?” he started without knowing exactly what to say.

This was unusual for him. He was never like Peter who barely knew how to behave around someone of the opposite sex. He had always been determined and secure in what he wanted and how he would achieve his goal, which was not necessarily happening at that moment.

“Do you think I'm an idiot? That I should be crying in the corners while you spend the whole day ignoring me? ” continued Dorcas.

“Er…”

“So it looks like Sirius Black really lost his love of life.” this time it was Marlene who was speaking, joining Dorcas to corner the boy. “He did the same thing to me not long ago.”

“And then.” Dorcas said. “Explain Sirius, what's your point with that anyway?”

Sirius was aware that he was being confronted by two of the most skilled witches in that school, which made him think carefully before answering.

"Having the attention of two of the most attractive girls in Hogwarts at the same time was something I always wanted, but not under these circumstances." he replied, making them both take on an even more irritated posture. “I think we can solve this in a more fun way but not now, sorry girls.”

He said the last sentence and pulled Remus by the arm off the portrait of the fat lady, towards the first empty classroom they encountered. It seemed that Remus was right about one more thing: Sirius would never find out what made him uncomfortable if he was always running from it, and he was a Gryffindor, never being the type to run away.

So he didn't think twice about closing the empty classroom door he found before wrapping his arms around Remus, bringing their faces closer and, finally, kissing him without worrying how long they would be entwined that way.

“Six years of friendship and I never expected it.’’ Remus said when they parted after what seemed like an eternity.

“Does that mean you didn't like it?” asked Sirius, beginning to wonder if he had taken the right action.

“That means I'm surprised, but not disappointed.” replied returning to kiss Sirius.

He now concluded that he would be fully capable of making a patronus.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! English isn't my first language so, i hope you could enjoy this, let me know on the comments please :)  
> Thanks <3


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